VIRGIL'S NOTE TO THE HUNDRED (I THINK?)

Right. According to my nephew Keith, who knows about computers and has suspicious thumbs, I am to mark the occasion of having “100 followers” on this Facebook contraption.

Firstly, thank you to whoever is behind me. I didn’t notice at the time and I do hope you weren’t expecting directions. I’ve never been good with numbers or maps. Or confrontation.

Now, Keith says this is “a milestone” (which is ironic, as he once drove into one) and apparently I’m supposed to “commemorate it” with something called “content.” I told him I had a pair of trousers from 1983 still in active service — is that not commemorative enough?

So here is a photograph of a potato I found that looks a bit like Winston Churchill if you squint and have unresolved feelings about rationing.

In honour of reaching 100 Followers, I have set out the good tea set (the one with the inexplicable pattern of dancing cows and astrological symbols), and have put five custard creams on a saucer, in case anyone turns up. I’ve also written all your names in a ledger, though some are just usernames and one of you appears to be a dog from Belgium. Welcome anyway.

Keith says the next goal is “a thousand followers.” A thousand! I don’t even have that many functioning teaspoons. I shall do my best, but I worry about where I’ll store all the hats, let alone how I’ll cater for the biscuits.

So tell your friends, your postman, the suspicious figure near the allotments, and any ghostly Victorian children you may share a corridor with. Virgil’s door is open (though the latch sticks), and there’s always something slightly unsettling in the teapot.

Onward to confusion and crumbs!
—Virgil Twobyfour, Internet Sensation (according to Keith’s spreadsheet)