Notes from the Potting Shed

🧢 The Unofficial Field Guide to Keith

(compiled reluctantly by Virgil Twobyfour, assisted by various neighbours, a chaffinch, and accident)

“He means well. Which is often where the trouble begins.” - Virgil

📷 Common Names:

Keith. Young Keith. That Boy With the Drone. Oi, stop that.

🧬 Species Notes:

While Keith appears to be a modern human in his early 40s, there is increasing evidence to suggest he is composed largely of WiFi signals, flapjacks, and faint contempt. He is believed to be Virgil’s great-nephew, though neither party has committed to this in writing.

📍 Habitat:

Frequently found hovering near mobile phone chargers, in the vicinity of his mother’s conservatory, or leaning on the gate of Virgil’s allotment giving unsolicited technical advice. Migrates between the local cafe, mysterious storage units, and the shed he refers to as his "content studio."

🧰 Behavioural Traits:

Collects wires, gadgets, unread books about digital currencies.
Speaks fluent techno-babble, cannot boil an egg.
Once attempted to livestream a séance using only a hairdryer and an old vape.
Has a suspicious number of "mates" named Darren.
Thinks moths are hilarious. They are not.

🔊 Typical Calls:

“I’ll sort it, don’t touch anything.”
“That’s not how the cloud works, Uncle Virgil.”
“This blog platform is ancient. Can I port it to something cooler?”
“You can’t just mail people chutney.”
“Mum says stop sending bees again.”

🧾 Diet:

Primarily biscuits (if not guarded), anything from a foil packet, and leftover curry. Has strong feelings about hummus but won’t elaborate.

🧙‍♂️ Magical Abilities:

Can reset your phone by staring at it moodily
Knows five ways to illegally access satellite TV
Accidentally summoned a minor deity during a pub quiz by entering the wrong Wi-Fi password
Once created a rudimentary weather-controlling device out of a dehumidifier and rage

📉 Natural Predators:

Mavis from the parish noticeboard committee
The geese behind the Methodist church
Fluctuations in broadband
The word "tradition"
Anything that smells of beeswax and history

✏️ Notable Incidents:

Installed smart bulbs in Virgil’s potting shed. They haven’t stopped flickering.
Tried to “digitise the grimoire” and got a three-week nosebleed.
Replaced Virgil’s carrier pigeons with a drone called Barry. Barry is currently missing.
Added SEO tags to a recipe for soul-soothing broth, resulting in over 12,000 spam emails and one eldritch fax.

📝 Field Notes & Addenda:

Please report sightings of Keith to Virgil via postcard, cryptic riddle, or by shouting “USB!” in a field. Do not attempt to engage Keith in a conversation about “the algorithm” unless you are fireproof and have snacks.

Keith maintains the blog, begrudgingly. He claims this page is “slander” and “probably legally actionable,” but hasn’t figured out how to delete it. So here it stays.