Notes from the Potting Shed

Village Shoppe Coupon - one per customer

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🧺 Welcome to The Shoppe

(currently more of a theoretical shoppe, if we’re being honest)

“Keith says this will be a ‘passive income stream’. I said that sounds like something you get after a dodgy chutney. He said no, it’s the future. I said I’d put the kettle on.” -Virgil

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You’ve arrived at The Shoppe. Or rather, the idea of it.

Keith (my great-nephew, or possibly a talented hallucination) insists I need to ‘monetise my niche’ - which, frankly, sounds personal - and so has built me this virtual broom cupboard in which to hawk my wares. There are no shelves yet. Or wares. Or, to be honest, a till. But we live in hope.

At present, all orders will be fulfilled via the following options:

• I pop it in the post (assuming I can find a box, a stamp, and the item again)

• I leave it behind the bins at the Post Office with your name on it in chalk

• You collect it in person, ideally during the Equinox or whilst dressed as a vicar (optional, but encouraged)

• I forget completely, then feel bad and send you a drawing of a haunted goose instead

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📦 Things Keith Says Will Be Available “Soon”:

🫙 Virgil’s All-Purpose Panacea Paste
Made from elderflower, rhubarb vinegar, dock leaves, and a whisper of local gossip. Cures nothing, but makes you feel oddly comforted. Possibly cursed.
Not suitable for cats.

📖 The Unofficial Almanac of Slightly Dubious Folk Knowledge (Vol. 1)
A loose collection of my notes, diagrams, seasonal omens, and recipes I may or may not have made up. Some pages are tea-stained. Others are jam.

🎴 Set of 7 Folk Omen Divination Cards
Illustrated by me using a biro and the back of an electricity bill. Features traditional portents such as The Upside-Down Pig, The Very Small Stormcloud, and A Man Called Clive.

🕯️ Beeswax Candle That Smells Vaguely of Church and Marmalade
Hand-rolled using wax donated by the terrifying vicarage bees. Burn at your own spiritual risk.

🧦 Mismatched Socks of Mild Prophecy
Knitted by someone in the village whose name I forget but who definitely knows things. Wearing these may result in strange dreams or better tomato yields.

🧃 Keith’s Digital Tincture (Beta)
Some kind of downloadable nonsense involving a PDF and a QR code. It might be a podcast, or a recipe, or a cursed ringtone. I haven’t opened it. Approach with caution.

🎩 Virgil’s Hat (Replica)
Not available. He only has the one and it’s shaped to his skull now. This item is included for legal reasons because Keith insisted it improves “brand coherence.”

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Until Keith figures out international shipping (or I find someone who owns a van), all transactions are done via IOU, barter, or sending me a nice note in the post.
Feel free to express interest by writing your name on a clean piece of paper and placing it under a stone near the old AA box just outside Lower Trudging.

I’ll find it. Eventually.