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Frequently Asked Questions (though not necessarily frequently answered)
Well now. Keith said I needed a "FAQ" page - which I took to mean "Frequently Acquired Quirks", but no, apparently it stands for Frequently Asked Questions. He says it’s what people click on when they’re confused.
So if you’ve wandered here in search of answers, clarity, or step-by-step instructions - bless you, and I’ll do my best. Although do bear in mind I’ve only got three working pens, a cracked thermos, and a memory like a soggy trifle.
Kettle's on. Help yourself to a fig roll (the packet says “Best Before 2018” but they’re only suggestions really).
🫖 Q: Who exactly are you?
I'm Virgil Twobyfour. Long retired, frequently sidetracked, occasionally consulted on peculiar matters. These days I potter about, mostly in the shed, keeping notes on odd goings-on, moon phases, vegetable behaviour, and things that probably shouldn't be growing in that part of the garden.
I may or may not have once worked for a wartime division of unusual purpose. But that’s neither here nor there and the Official Secrets Act is very vague after a certain age.
🍪 Q: Is this blog meant to be useful?
Possibly. Accidental usefulness is one of my talents. It’s mostly a collection of seasonal ramblings, horoscopes, local incidents, and memories that I’ve put down either so I don’t forget them or because Keith said, “People like content, Uncle V.” (He’s not my nephew. I don’t think.)
If anything here helps you identify a cursed turnip, win the raffle, or avoid summoning something unpleasant during the equinox, then I’m delighted.
🐦 Q: Can I ask you a question?
You already have. But yes, go on then. Send it in. Keith has set up something called a “Form” which is not paper, apparently, but some sort of hollow in the internet where your message goes to wait. He reads them aloud to me when the Wi-Fi holds, and if I have a strong opinion or vague feeling about your query, I’ll write something back.
Please include your star sign, the last thing you ate, and whether any crows have been following you lately. It helps me triangulate.
🌚 Q: Are the horoscopes serious?
Oh yes. Gravely. But also not at all. They come to me in moments — through weather patterns, milk skin formations, or the behaviour of my weathercock (Norman). They’re specific, but only for those meant to see them.
Interpret as you wish, but don’t ignore the ones that mention chimneys.
🪴 Q: Do you sell anything?
Not intentionally. If I’ve left something in your shed, you can keep it — unless it hums. In which case, dig a hole and burn something symbolic. I’m working on a small line of salves, talismans, and sauerkraut-based skincare, but Keith says we need something called a "shop platform" and he’s gone very quiet about it since the pigeon incident.
🎩 Q: Are you on social media?
Well, Keith says I am. I think I post things on Facebook, or possibly The Facebook, although it all smells faintly of burnt carpet to me. You can follow me there, but I won’t follow back unless I know your grandfather or you’ve got a reliable moon dial.
That’ll do for now. If you’ve read this far, you probably need a nap or a boiled sweet. Both are available near the exit (or in your coat pocket, if you check).
Yours in tea and turbulence,
Virgil Twobyfour
(Potting Bench | Sometime Observer | Generally Upright)
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Virgil appreciates every word, even if he’s off chasing shadows in the allotment right now. Keep your eyes peeled—there might be a reply when the wind shifts. Meanwhile, stay curious and kind.