🌿 VIRGIL TWOBYFOUR’S WEEKLY ALMANAC “Like a wet tea towel across the buttocks of Time.”

 Virgil Twobyfour’s Weekly Almanac for the week commencing Monday 19th May 2025, also known in the older liturgical calendar as:

The Fourth Week After the Shrivelling of St Aubergine
The Embering of the Mid-Frogs
Quarter-Mould of the Holy Leftovers
Feast of St Beulah the Barefoot, Patron of Mislaid Teaspoons and Muddy Floors



🔭 ASTROLOGICKAL SNIPS & SNOUTS
The Dust-Loon of Scragley Nook (those born during high wind on the Thursday after Michaelmas):
You will find clarity this week in the reflection of a particularly clean spanner. However, beware the third pigeon you see on Tuesday. It knows.

Fungibellion the Ambiguous (birthdays fall between May 3rd and May 22nd, and also between 10:11am and 10:15am on alternate Tuesdays in March):
You are a puzzle wrapped in a sock and flung at a map of Dorset. Everyone is confused. Especially you. Remain indoors until your birthday next year. Or don't. It's unclear.

Haddock Rising (Those conceived during a blackout in a seaside town with a haunted funfair):
Your aura is thick with potential (and possibly treacle). Take up an unusual hobby this week, like toe-dowsing or belligerent embroidery.

🔍 LOST OBJECT OF THE WEEK
One rubbery ear trumpet containing a small, hand-written note simply reading “NO” in capital letters.
Last seen wedged into a hedgerow near St Bleakley’s Forgotten Well. Possibly cursed. Approach with tongs.

📰 CLASSIFIEDS & NOTICES
FOR SALE:
Hand-carved toad altar, only mildly used. Emits a gentle hum during rainfall. £12 or will swap for a decent chutney.

MISSING:
The sound of the church clock at midnight. Nobody’s heard it since Tuesday. Mr Cribber says it’s because Time has “had enough of us.”

WANTED:
Someone to gently but firmly tell Mr Fubb that the council did not authorise his rooftop tannoy announcements about the “owl uprising.”

🧃 LOCAL GOSSIP
Doris Manklett of Lower Barnington was spotted leaving the Co-Op with six tins of condensed milk and “a haunted look.” Rumours of a spectral rice pudding abound.

Someone has moved the weather vane on the Old Parsonage to point inwards. This has upset local ley lines and made birds unnaturally decisive.

The Women’s Institute denies all knowledge of the sudden growth of blue glowing fungi in their jam cupboard. “Coincidence,” claims Chairwoman Edna Blight, “and besides, it tastes lovely on scones.”

🗣️ OVERHEARD IN THE POST OFFICE QUEUE
“Well I said to him, if the weasels are wearing trousers now, then it’s only a matter of time before they apply for planning permission.”
– Mrs Thrimbley, 82

🧙‍♂️ WOODCUT OF THE WEEK
"The Splay-Foot Prophet of Mouldering Hatch, heralding the Coming of the Seep."
As preserved in a pew Bible that had been buried for warmth by the monks of St Porridge the Indeterminate.
Kindly on loan from the dampest recesses of Nether Glumping Priory's Archive Cupboard.

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