CLASSIFIEDS — PYZ & DISTRICT BUGLE

Section: Items, Services, Appeals & Unexplained Phenomena

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FOR SALE:
One rocking chair that rocks of its own accord. Slight scorch marks on armrests. Responds to the name Marjorie.
£12 or swap for something equally haunted.
Apply: Shed 3, Behind The Post Office (Ask for Clive)

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WANTED:
A left shoe.
Not a left shoe — the left shoe.
You’ll know it if you’ve ever worn it.
Discretion essential.
Leave in hollow tree near Pindle Copse. Payment will follow.

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LOST:
Small knitted doll wearing a replica of the 1976 village carnival outfit. Answers to “Mucky Nora.” Contains secrets.
If found, please do not return to Mrs Fritley — she knows what she did.

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NOTICE:
The village defibrillator has been returned. Whoever borrowed it for jam-making purposes is no longer welcome in the bell tower.
— The Parish Committee (with teeth)

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TO SWAP:
Five (5) unopened bottles of Old Man Poff’s Experimental Root Wine (Strengths unknown, possibly sentient)
Will swap for new marrow trug, or information leading to the location of my missing goose.
— N. Thibble, Lower Mumps Field

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AVAILABLE FOR HIRE:
Man with ferret.
Will attend weddings, funerals, infestations.
Also does interpretive dance for livestock.
References available on cassette.

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ROOM TO LET:
Spare cupboard under stairs. Occasional hissing. No pets, unless spectral. Must provide own jam.

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LONELY HEARTS – “Matters of the Heart, or Something Like It”

Curated weekly by Mrs. Clodagh Pews (retired midwife, active romantic enabler)

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Gent with Suspicious Hat
WLTM discreet companion for long walks in graveyards, shared marmalade, and possibly interdimensional travel.
Must not mind humming. Or vanishing, occasionally.
Box 119 – replies by postcard or low whistle.

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Lady (52?) with collection of antique jam spoons
Seeks firm-handed gentleman who understands the difference between affection and possession of cursed artefacts.
Would consider elopement or mild haunting.
Must have knees.
Write: “Spoons & Destiny,” care of the allotment noticeboard.

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Unconfirmed Bachelor (age range: fluid)
Describes self as “herbally inclined” and “of peculiar means.”
WLTM someone with practical experience in removing binding hexes and/or bees.
Must love owls.
Box 404 (Do not attempt to post after dusk)

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Widow (possibly)
WLTM someone emotionally available, or at least emotionally comprehensible.
Must enjoy cricket, home distillation, and speaking in code.
May or may not be followed.
Contact via initials scrawled in fogged mirror at The Dripping Echo

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Quiet Stoat (sentient, possibly enchanted)
Seeks friendship and low-key vengeance.
Would appreciate snacks.
Apply: The third step from the bottom, Number 9 Curlicue Lane. Knock four times. Then once again, politely.

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Horse-Sized Woman With Big Plans
WLTM man with canoe, spare bramble patch, and flexible understanding of geography.
Interests include staring, thatched roofs, and revenge gardening.
Box 777 (write in green ink only)

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Recently Singular Man
Seeks Woman (or creature of similar temperament)
for companionship, joint rituals, and help locating former self (spiritually and geographically).
Must own a sturdy fork.
No inquiries from The Tatterman.