🕯️ VIRGIL TWOBYFOUR’S WEEKLY ALMANAC

For the Week of Monday 28th April, 2025

which also happens to be:

The Third Monday Following the Unveiling of the Damp Stone of Saint Collops,

The Feast of Minor Martyr Runcible the Chafed,

And the Week of the Annual Sneezing of the Great Owl in Upper Bibberington.

Well my dears, here we are again, blinking blearily into the cabbage-scented dawn of a new week. The rhubarb is boltin’, the moles are up to something, and I've misplaced my left boot for the fourth time today. We press on regardless.

🌘 HOROSCOPE OF THE WEEK
The Thimble-Swaddled (April 28th only, between 4:15 and 4:20 PM)
Those born under this highly specific sign often possess the power to make damp tissues vanish into pockets that defy physics. This week, avoid anyone offering to “rethread your life’s needle.” A shadowy figure from the Wool & Haberdashery aisle may hold answers to long-forgotten questions, but beware—he knits in riddles.

The Drizzling Jug (February 29th–August 3rd, excluding Bank Holidays and Leap Years)
You are burdened with an innate sogginess of spirit but blessed with an uncanny knack for losing nothing but hope. This week, a small porcelain cow will guide you.

🔍 LOST OBJECT OF THE WEEK
One (1) Whispering Sardine Fork, last seen nestled in the moss by the Duckpond Memorial Bandstand. Emits low-level despair and hums the third verse of Greensleeves when the moon is gibbous. Do not lick.

📜 VILLAGE GOSSIP
Mrs Crimble of Thresher’s Nook has finally returned from her silent retreat in Nether Phlegmley, speaking only in Anglo-Saxon riddles and whistling through her ears.

Bert Plicker, aged 102 and ¾, was seen chasing a phantom badger through the allotments in naught but his thermals and a ceremonial apron. “It weren’t a badger,” he claimed. “It were an omen.”

Cousin Delphinia Twobyfour has started a new side hustle blessing unripe fruit for spiritual enhancement. The local grocer reports no change in flavour, but a notable rise in whispering from the plum crate.

📸 WOODCUT OF THE WEEK

"Behold ye the Seer of Root and Loam, Guardian of the Turnip Sigils, as discovered in the margins of the Book of Damp Shadows (Vol II), currently on extended loan from Lower Gumption Library's Forbidden Cabinet (Drawer B)"

🧙‍♂️ CLASSIFIEDS & NOTICES
🧵 FOUND: Set of crochet hooks embedded in ceremonial haggis. Owner may reclaim upon reciting the Oath of the Unravelled Hem.

📻 WANTED: Volunteer to operate the ancient weather-stone in the village square during peak lightning hours. Must bring own gloves and insurance.

🧁 FOR SALE: A lightly cursed baking tin. Produces perfect sponge cakes filled with troubling dreams. Free to good home.

🎻 NOTICE: The Obscure Folk Music Ensemble (Branch B) will be rehearsing this Thursday behind the bins. Please don’t approach unless wearing appropriate moth-repellent trousers.

💬 SNIPPETS OVERHEARD IN THE SHOPPE:
“I swear on me kneecaps, Elsie, that owl winked at me and then the milk curdled.”

“Keith says he’s joined a ‘digital co-operative spiritual farming app’... but it turned out to be a bootleg copy of Encarta 96. He's not well.”

“You can tell it’s a cursed mangle if it sings old sea shanties in Morse.”

More news as and when I remember it, or when it emerges from the hedge, whichever comes first.

Yours in marmalade and mystery,
Virgil Twobyfour
Shwami, Seer, Shed-Based Sage